Have you ever wanted to lie to or keep something from someone because you knew if you told them the truth they'd get angry or disappointed with you? Maybe it's different for different people. Maybe boys never have this problem. But for some reason, I have it a lot. Because people judge me. They get visibly and audibly disappointed in me because of something I have done or in most cases something I have failed to do.
The worst part is, their disappointment only makes things worse. I'm already annoyed and angry with myself for failing to do something. I'm already disappointed with what I've done. I don't sit around and feel joyous and happy when I let myself down, or when, more importantly, I let God down. That's two strikes against me. Two people I've let down. But to make it worse, someone I love and care for, someone who means a lot to me, considers me a disappointment as well.
The cool part about God is, once you've offered up that disappointment to Him, He forgets it. He never brings it up again. And in most cases, as long as you and God are the only two in the whole world who know about this, you too can forget it altogether. But once someone else knows. Once they know what you've done it cannot be forgotten. Their reaction to your failure as a person is engraved into your mind and onto your heart. Their response is forever burned onto your soul.
Perhaps what I wonder about the most is if I ever make people feel the way I feel right now. Do my responses or words or facial expressions tell my brothers and sisters in Christ that I'm judging them and that I'm disgusted or annoyed with their sin? Do I repeatedly remind them that they've screwed up in the past for reasons that don't matter? I don't want to be that way. I don't want to be the person who demonstrates disappointment in others. It hurts me so much to experience it myself, that I cannot comprehend how or why I would choose, whether consciously or not, to hurt someone in that same way.
This is the prayer I pray today. Lord, help me to delight in all people. Help me to see past all sin and all transgressions and understand the good person behind that sin. Help me to realize that I'm caught in the midst of spiritual warfare, and that those who do wrong aren't doing it on their own. Their committing sin through the influence of Satan. Please Lord, let me never show disappointment in others. And please Lord, do not let me be affected by others' disappointment in me. I am your beloved daughter, in whom you are well pleased. In Jesus name, Amen.