I feel like I'm never staying long enough in one spot. I feel like no matter what I'm doing I'm constantly going somewhere else. My life is never just at a standstill. It's never just my life...it's just this perpetually moving mechanism that seems to be well-oiled most of the time but then this squeaky gear starts whining incessantly in my ear until I stop long enough to fix it. I think I'm the type of person that blocks out the squeaky gear until someone else notices it and says, "Liz, you might want to fix that. It's kind of annoying."

These "words" of wisdom came to me today at several different points throughout my day. First, during morning devotional time at my internship. We spend the morning at Grand Rapids First (from here on out referred to as GRF) discussing a passage from the Word, praying and praising individually, and then praying as a group. I've had this feeling for a while now that my presence there has been more of an interruption than a positive addition and I don't really know why I've felt that way. Maybe it's a confidence issue, where I feel as though these people expect me to be great at sharing the Word and praying. Maybe it's the fact that during my individual prayer time all I can think about is, "I wonder what everyone else is doing. Did they like what I shared this morning?" I've just been so incredibly focused on whether or not what I am doing is pleasing to these men that I haven't focused on what I could be doing to bring joy and pleasure to my Maker! Pastor Ken was praying for each of us as individuals today and he asked the Lord to bless everything that touched my hands today. Everything that I worked on was to be blessed. Too bad I didn't work on anything.

My first class went pretty well, I stayed focused and got a lot of positive feedback from my professor about my "Goals and Objectives" section of my grant. Which made me feel like I was making some overall good strides towards getting some actual funding for the Dock. But after class I just decided I had no energy to deal with another one. So I drove home. On the way home I guess I wasn't going fast enough for someone because he decided to get into the right lane and pass me. Although my car was set in cruise, as it always is because I know I would drive about 90 if it wasn't, I don't believe I started speeding up as he passed me. I think that I was simply approaching the semi-truck much more quickly than this man had calculated. Either way, when he made it back over into the left lane in time to pass the semi, a rather inappropriate finger was protruding out of his window for a good 5 seconds. I saw him glancing in his rearview mirror to make sure I had seen and I'm sure he saw a slight look of surprise (eyebrows raised and nothing else). What on earth had I done to warrant such a response? Well, he then proceeded to slow down to about 60 mph and I just continued slowing down myself. But, as traffic started piling up behind me and as the semi started to catch up to me, I finally decided to move over to the right lane. The man, then apparently satisfied with his barbaric behavior, determined it was time to speed on to his destination and leave me in the proverbial dust. He then exited at the next exit and I experienced my first encounter with unwarranted road rage. When I reached my apartment it occurred to me that it may possibly have been a close relative to the guy who gave Kevin, Tod, and I the bird in Ohio...perhaps an FBI agent that had somehow tracked me down to exact revenge on me for wronging his third cousin twice removed. Kevin's "Get him...get him!" cries echoed in my head as I smiled my way up the stairs.

I spent some time working with Golive more but then just crashed on my bed for a drool-filled nap. When naps are involved, it always seems like my mouth feels the need to expectorate massive amounts of saliva. It never appears to happen during a regular night of rest, but it's rather regular with naps.

When I woke up, I worked on Golive some more, cooked some Tuna Helper, and prepared myself for BSF. But as soon as I started driving down the street I just felt like it was all wrong. Like everything I have been doing so far this week has all been a facade. I've been putting on this show like I'm a good Christian, like I have a personal relationship with God, when really I'm just empty inside. So I kept driving, singing praise music and pausing it occasionally to share how I really feel with God. I told Him I was scared of what the future held. That I was tired of wondering about it and that I just wanted to be content with what I had at the moment. He told me to do just that. That this was a time of preparation for me and that I should stop focusing on where I'm going to be a year from now. I'm not ready to know that and I'm not ready to be there anyway. I just need to take things one day at a time. The words of a song filled my soul and I started to cry. Not a sob, not a sound, just tears and a cracked voice. I cried for those I love. For the ones I've lost...for the ones I've never truly found. I cried because I realized what I was. What are you man, if you do not learn love? the voice asked. What am I? Simply nothing.

So hard to fathom, the pain in Your eyes, as You're watching Your children, doing what You despise. Through pursuit of our own, we just go 'round and 'round. Another nail to the cross, we continue to pound.

I cried for you. For the person in my life I should feel so close to right now, yet I feel so far away from. For the person I used to understand, but now am only confused by. I cried for you because I miss you. I cried for you because I long for you. I cried for you because I love you. I cried for you, because He was giving me a brief glimpse of what He feels for you. I cried for you because He misses you. I cried for you because He longs for you. I cried for you because He loves you. He cries for you too. Harder, longer, louder, every piece of Him convulsing with the pain of losing you. Shaking, crying out, whispering softly for you to return. He's waiting for you. Waiting with arms open, bearing the wounds He carries. He's waiting and hoping, and so am I.

I drove for two hours tonight. I made it to Allendale, Grand Haven, Holland, and back to Grandville. My head feels clearer but my heart no less heavy. More needs to be shared. More needs to be revealed. I need to search myself and be honest with the Lord. Only then can the healing begin. Only then can I grow. Only then can I be more than nothing.

I woke up this morning at 7:38...oops. Guess I should have checked my alarm. I'm not to sure if I even had it set or not or if I just went to sleep without even checking. Either way, when I checked what time it had been set for it was for 4:45pm (from my oh-so-comforting nap earlier that same day). So I grabbed the phone, called off of work, and went back to sleep. It's amazing how much more time I have to completely procrastinate and push things off when I'm not working on Mondays. Since class didn't happen till three, I spent the morning getting my room mostly clean, checking out Adobe Golive, discovering new musical talents, and pondering some of life's greatest mysteries. Like, which Baywatch episode is better? The one where Hobbi makes a music video or where Summer gets posessed by a ghost? I also began thinking about some of the interesting people I met last night.

Last night I went over to Globe Apartments in Grand Rapids to hang out with Ben and some of his friends. Although I have yet to experience most kinds of government subsidized housing, I must say that this apartment was the coolest apartment I had ever been inside of in my entire life. The neighborhood left a little to be desired, and it's residents Catherine and Sarah described to me a greusome scene in which someone was shot on the corner of their complex, but the overall look and feel of this complex was the ultimate urban experience. Plus the design of the apartment was totally sweet. Very urban-chic and I believe Sarah only has to pay $150 a month for it. I'm almost hoping I don't get a job when I graduate so I can move in there.

What made this entire experience at Globe Apartments so special though was a little 8-month old boy named Arie (I'm not too sure on the spelling but oh well). Arie is Sarah's pride and joy and he has to be the happiest baby I have ever seen in my entire life. He got an extreme amount of joy when Sarah would launch his pacifer out of her mouth and into his face and he just loved crawling under the glass end table and look up at you making faces at him. He never ever stopped smiling once and continued making his baby gurggle noises and a few actual words, intermingled with happy squeels and healthy giggles. There is a special annointing on that boy...I can just tell. He's just got so much love and peace in his heart that I can see where as a parent I would never go insane or feel overwhelemed in his presence. Every child I ever have, has to be like Arie.

Have you ever woken up in the morning with a song embedded in your heart? It's like someone else put it there in your sleep and when you waken all you can do is open your mouth and sing. Typically when this happens to me, it's a song of praise to the Lord. Today, however, I woke up singing "Padrino" by Smashmouth. Most of you are probably unfamiliar with this song...it was on their first album. But all in all, it's a fairly entertaining song. Here's a sampling: Click on Padrino

Well this weekend has just officially flown by! I have no idea what's been going on. Well, actually, I have a lot of an idea what's been going on but I don't know how on earth it all happened so fast. Friday was a pretty eventful day. I worked the Engineering Building groundbreaking with the Development office. I originally had no intention on going because in the words of Ben Occhipinti, it sounded totally "lame." But, I guess that's the burden of working for the Development office...you have to go to fancy events and schmooze with the bigtimers. Govenor Granholm was there and I was very surprised at both how small she was and how beautiful. I mean, on TV she really doesn't seem that attractive but in person she is definitely beautiful. As far as the "work" I did at the event...I sat in a chair, prepared 5 nametages, and caught some mid-October sun. I'm surprised I didn't get burned but if I had it would have been worth it because I got free lunch. After work, I headed home to Chelsea to do some laundry and to prepare to work the PSATs on Saturday morning.

On Saturday I headed out to Forsythe in Ann Arbor to proctor the PSATs. From 8-11 I worked and I made $92 bucks! Not too shabby I'd say! The best thing about working standardized testing is you get to be a silent observer of human behavior without being viewed as a complete and totally weirdo. It's so much fun watching kids take a test...especially when it's their first experience with something like that. Each one has different mannerisms that make observation exciting. Take the "long-haired band t-shirt guy." There's always one of them in the bunch and they have the tendency to be perpetual motion machines when it comes to petting their hair. They just constantly do it! The particular "long-haired band t-shirt guy" of this test sported a "Fallout Boy" t-shirt and had a rather significant blonde stripe in his otherwise brown hair that he twirled around his finger. I'm sure that he and all of his band shirt counterparts will be bald by the time they're 25 at this rate.

Then there was the girl who doesn't follow directions...who keeps filling in the answers after time is called. During this test she also happened to be the girl that needed the kleenex box on her desk the entire test in order to ensure that no one was disturbed by her constant need to blow it. Other observations were made during this brief interaction with nervous high schoolers, but their details would fill too many lines to count.

After testing I drove like mad up here to get back early enough to make it over to the zoo with Ben. On the way up I observed two amazing things...a tree that was the perfect fall tree...red and flaming and catching the eye from a mile away at least. And I also noticed bird flight patterns for I think the first time in my life. This huge batch of like 50 birds just flew up from these trees all of a sudden and it was amazing to see how quickly they all just changed direction...still going the same way and not slamming into one another. Simply beautiful. I couldn't stop looking at birds all day.

Now, can I just say, that the zoo is officially awesome!? Jessie, I saw some of the animals we had never been able to see before, like that weasel in the aquarium and some of the reptiles in the herpetorium. To top all that off, Ben and I had an awesome time poking fun at the animals. We determined that if the flamingos were sedated they would in fact be good for croquet, that the camels, had they been there, wouldn't have been worth our time because they just sell there bodies for money, and that the monkeys, though similar in physical appearance, could never be our predecessors because there is no way we would pick something out of a friend's butt and eat it. We also walked up to the top of the waterfall near the petting zoo and found a fun exhibit there on carnivores, herbivores, and omnivores. We decided that the claim that the rabbit was an herbivore was a little short-sighted of an assumption...clearly whoever made that hypothesis never saw Monty Python and the Holy Grail. (Although it has to be said, the rabbit in Holy Grail didn't feast on flesh for sustenance...but for pleasure) After the zoo we walked around the park a little which I had always wanted to do but never have! haha! Isn't that lame? What a strange thing to always want to do! But we did it and had lots of fun doing it! Then we decided to head to Russ's for dinnerish? We got there at 5:00 so I guess it was dinner. Ben took this crazy roundabout route and we happened to drive past a "Russ's car garage". I was pleased to discover that wasn't where we were going, although Ben claimed that there was an excellent vending machine there. We were at Russ's for a while, staying long after we had finished eating and then he drove me home! We watched the Nutrigrain Bar commercial and "Rejected," and then hugged goodbye (no kissing on the first date)! But, then Sarah gave me a call and so I called him back to see if he wanted to head out to her place for a few hours. haha! So, he came back and followed me to Sarah's where we ate dinner, discussed sleeping in teepees at the dinner table, as well as being a farmer and juggling kittens, and then headed to the basement to play some Channel Surfing. The couch team, which thanks to me became the "Flaming Barracudas" won by a significant margin against the non-couch team or the "No-name Morons." A few people left and so Sarah, Amanda, Mike and I played the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" board game as well as "Apples to Apples" which I won both! I then came home, downloaded some Amber Pacific and Matchbook Romance, and ended the evening with a Bruce Campbell experience to be remembered..."Army of Darkness."

All in all, it has been a most excellent weekend experience. I'll be taking my test for Grant Writing online today as well as working on some other stuff, and maybe head out to Mars Hill tonight. Church today was totally amazing and really got me thinking about a lot of things...especially the people I care about the most in life. It was all about overcoming labels in our live and it focused primarily on the prayer of Jabez in 1Chronicles 4. Talk about overcoming a label! Imagine being named by your own mother "Cause of Great Pain"?! Simply amazing what people go through in this life. Simply amazing.