So I took a trip down memory lane today by revisiting one of my favorite childhood movies. Okay, so it's really not the kind of movie MOST little girls would watch, but I had a brother that was 4 years older than me and I worshipped the ground he walked on so most of the time I watched things that most girls wouldn't watch and I did things that most girls wouldn't do. But, due to our current topic at Fusion, "Dating: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly," I once again decided to sit down and enjoy the nearly 3 hour movie depicting one of the coolest Western stories I have ever known. Okay, so in all reality my experience with Westerns of the spaghetti variety is very limited, but I gotta say, I LOVE this movie. The camera angles are sweet, the repetitive soundtrack brings a smirk on my face every time they reprise that awesome Ennio Morricone classic, and the overall plotline is just seamless. Plus, the young Clint Eastwood is not bad on the eyes at all.

It seems so bizarre to me in so many ways to say that watching such a violent, clearly testosterone-filled movie would make me enjoy my otherwise drab and tiring Friday as much as it did. But, it makes me want to see the rest of Leone's trilogy. This may end up being one of my new favorite genres...as I deviate slightly from the action/fantasy realm...once again another slightly male-dominated genre. Not so much as the western, but still, mostly male-dominated. Wow. I'm really not as girly as I think I am sometimes. Man, it's so good I feel like just watching it again. haha! I probably will before I return it.

I feel like I've been surrounded lately. Surrounded with miniature miracles that I either do not immediately recognize or I see them for what they are. I've heard and experienced amazing Godly things lately and it's just made my heart beat uncontrollably in so many situations. And somehow, somewhere along the way, I've managed to allow God to start working through me.

I don't really know how it all happened. While I was home though, I somehow managed to stay focused on the Lord, which for some reason has been difficult for me in the past. I think it's sort of the whole "a prophet is not appreciated in his own home town" sort of thing. Even though I don't feel unappreciated or openly shunned, I'm not treated any differently really. Although, I guess maybe I haven't really treated anyone else differently either. I think it's a strange phenomenon that exists with people of our past, or people we haven't been around in a while. It's like we only know how to relate to them in a very specific way and they only know how to relate to us in that same way. So that no matter how much we may have changed all we can do is go back to the way things used to be with that person. And then we walk away telling everyone else we see, "oh yeah, I ran into so-and-so the other day and she hasn't changed at all," all the while 'so-and-so' is saying the exact same thing about us. I don't know if it's true or not, but sometimes I suspect it is. I wonder if people have noticed that I've changed.

My heart nearly broke the other day in class when one of my classmates shared a story about how she had given up on the Church because hers shunned her when she had a child outside of wedlock. It breaks my heart so much to see people get hurt by Christians like that. Sometimes I wish I could just shake the Church and scream at them to get a reality check, but maybe I seem that hypocritical and judgmental sometimes too. Maybe people think I have a "holier than thou" attitude or that I have this perception that they'll never be accepted by God because of some terrible thing they've done. After some of the horribly awful things I've done out of disobedience to the Lord I would hope that I would be more gracious than that, and it seems like I've regained a new-found understanding of what it means to be Christian (it's all about our weakness and God's strength), but I still wonder.

I overheard this girl talking on her phone today about how a complete stranger came up to her and prophesied over her. I think it happened on campus but I'm not too sure. I didn't hear the whole story. But my heart was beating like mad just hearing her share this awesome Godly experience. It sounds like she's really starting to do some big things for the Lord and change some things in her life. I stopped her outside and told her I had been listening and wanted to pray for her. I got her name and number. She said I could call anytime. It's moments like that that make God so incredibly real to me.

I think one of the main reasons why I love my new church so much is how real the people are. How real and human they are. How fallible, openly fallible. Admitted drug addicts, former inmates, fornicators, porn addicts, unwed mothers, every side of the spectrum. I don't think I have ever been a part of a church with so much honesty of sins that are deemed so "big." It's like they know they've done some terrible things, things that anyone wouldn't dare preach about, yet they remember who brought them out of it and because of that they are so ready to share everything with everyone. The share openly from the pulpit about what God has brought them out of and in small groups they share even more. I always used to think that confessions of such magnitude for be reserved strictly for the ears of a priest, but I have seen what power exists in sharing them with all.

Perhaps what I'm most startled about in the recent changes that have happened in my walk is the willingness people have to share some of their most difficult struggles with me. It's like somewhere along the way God started to turn me into a minister and I don't know how it happened. The other day I was sitting down talking with a guy I hadn't in a long time. He was in an accounting class with me last year and we sat next together. The conversation was in no way consistently flowing, but he definitely opened up to me about things he's struggling with right now...18 credits of school...no job prospects...unclear answers about the future...and a long distance relationship with a woman he's been married with for nearly two years. I don't know why, but I felt like the Lord was the initiator of that entire conversation.

He's been speaking out of me lately, I just know it. I'm just more aware of the people around me and their needs, more conscious of the words I say and the questions I ask. The thing is, I actually GENUINELY feel concerned for the people I talk with. Not even concerned really, that's not the word. But interested...desirous. It's LOVE I feel for these people! People I rarely, if ever, talk to. Love! And that's it! The thing is, I know it's not ME that's expressing all of this! It's Christ IN me! I am too weak and too selfish to possibly be expressing any of this. I think all of this has resulted from the sudden realization that my walk with God has nothing to do with strength, authority, and ability on my behalf, but weakness, obedience, and inability. It's through admitting that I am nothing, that God is everything, that I am able to actually BE something to someone. Wow. Amazing.

So I think I've been saying that phrase WAY too much lately. I could be wrong, but I think that I got it from the Craiginator!

Anyway, there is just so much going on in my mind and my heart lately. Really amazing and totally 100% exciting things, but a lot. I was driving back to GR from Chelsea today and I swear I talked to myself the whole way there. These words and ideas about being a child of God and having childlike faith just started flowing out of my mouth and I had absolutely no idea where any of it came from. I don't even remember everything that I said but I remember that it was all really cool! It was stuff that I hadn't really thought of before and there were all of these great analogies that kept coming up too! It was amazing...and weird.

One of the big things I started thinking of was the simple fact that child-like faith requries a huge level of weakness and submission on our part and a huge amount of strength and authority on God's part. Our faith walk in no way needs to be one of power (in terms of our on strength or our own ability to maintain it), but it needs to be one of humility and weakness...one in which our full and complete reliance rests with the Lord...and it is HIS power and HIS strenth and HIS authority that works through us to change our lives and the lives around us! This is just HUGE for me! PLUS, childlike faith requires a huge amount of brutal honesty. It's like we just NEED to be honest with ourselves and with the Lord. Just falling on our face and letting God know that we just do not have the strength, determination, and power to do anything in this life without Him. To be honest about our shortcomings...to sau, "hey, I've screwed up. I've blown it God...and even though I know you're going to give me massive amounts of grace and love, I am going to be the first to admit that I do not deserve it." That's the childlike faith! The honesty! Man...there's so much more going on in my head right now about this but I just can't put it into coherrent written language. You'll just have to hear me preach on it sometime cause I can talk about it just fine!

The song that made me think of you, today:

"I feel like, I would like
To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I'll admit here, while I sit here
My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather

Whats the purpose? It feels worthless
So unwanted like I've lost all my value
I can't find it, not in the least bit
and I'm just scared, so scared that I'll fail You

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then You assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

So I say if I can't, do something significant
I'll opt to leave most opportunities wasted
And nothing trivial, that life could give me will
Measure up to what might have replaced it

Too late look, my date book
Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone
And I bet, that regret
Will prove to get me to improve in the long run

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then You assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I'm a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once

I notice, I know this
Week is a symbol of how I use my time
Resent it, I spent it
Convincing myself the world's doing just fine
Without me
Doing anything of any consequence
Without me
Showing any sign of ever making sense
Of my time , it's my life
And my right, to use it like I should
Like He would, for the good
Of everything that I would ever know

I'm a little more than useless
When I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I'm a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once"

"More Than Useless" by Relient K